Having recognized that the country is calling on me to restore order and common sense, and that my election as dictator is the last hope of Western Civilization, I hereby throw my sombrero into the ring. Below is a compact summary of the wise and forward-looking policies which will characterize my reign. Interposed are thrilling slogans that will throw you into an electoral frenzy.
Social Policy: On the day of my coronation, I will undertake a sweeping reform of society, beginning with radical feminists. We will hunt them with dogs. I will save a few and chain them in the Great Dismal Swamp, where they will poison the mosquitoes, allowing civilized people to catch catfish in comfort.
“The only thing we have to be A-fred of is Fred Hisself!!”
I will revive horsewhipping. This meritorious form of social encouragement will be applied liberally to anyone who says “microaggression,” “gendered,” “people of color,” “homophobe,” “trans-anything,” or “racism.” The ensuing silence will allow contemplation and reflection on higher things. The United States will then become a philosophical Clydesdale on a par with the ancient Athenians.
Erotic curiosities: I will persecute all sexual minorities I hear about. I don’t care what they do or with whom or what they do it: consenting sheep, each other, furniture, in groups, clusters, circles, with whips and chains, vacuum cleaners, involving any orifice known or to be discovered—as long as they shut up about it and do it where I don’t have to see it.
Education: After a week’s grace period—I am inherently moderate—membership in a teachers’ union will be a felony. There will be a death penalty to anyone prescribing Ritalin to the underaged; this will be carried out by starving army ants trained by the CIA in advanced interrogation techniques.
As for higher education, it will actually be higher. To begin with, all applicants to college will be required to go through Marine Corps boot camp, reconstituted to the standards of 1965. This will work miracles. Our pansified little darlings will then know what trouble is and not go all limp over Microaggressions.
l will declare departments of Victims’ Studies to be free-fire zones. They serve only to worsen race relations to a degree that would render the KKK ecstatic and to turn young women into sanctimonious twits on the intellectual level of a Klondike sled dog. The best solution may be napalm.
Better Fred than Dead! Probably, anyway
Military policy: I will cut the Pentagon’s handout by half. America can no longer afford to waste its engineering talent on whizz-kerblams and whoosh-booms for colonels in arrested development and, since the officer corps has no notion of how to win wars, it should find something else to do. A dozen very pricey aircraft carriers floating fiercely in circles do nothing to affect the economic growth of China, which nothing else we do will either.
I will assign the Five-Sided Wind Tunnel a new mission, namely the defense of the United States. If this novelty encounters resistance, I will require all general officers to report to work in tutus and toe shoes until they see the wisdom of my idea. Of course, these days many would probably like it.
All officers will be required to take an intensive course in geography. In this they will learn that America is that place between Mexico and Canada, with wet parts on both sides. This does not include any of Asia. Emphasis will be put on ignoring places that can defend themselves, surrender themselves, or simply go to hell in whatever manner they choose: Afghanistan, Pakistan, Syria, Iraq, Israel, Libya, Iran.
Tippecanoe and Frederick too! Not sure Tip’s available, though
Racial policy: I will not have one. I will judge people without regard to race, color, creed, or national origin, except Moslems, who are nothing but trouble everywhere. Yes, I will judge all by the content of their character, not the color of their skin. Looters will actually be arrested or, more inspirationally, shot. This will probably triple the prison population, which I will offshore to Guatemala.
I will end racially discriminatory polices like affirmative action on the principle that if you are good enough, you don’t need it, and if you need it, you aren’t good enough, and thus a parasite. If being required to be able to read to graduate from college disproportionately affects some people, then they can damned well disproportionately learn to read. Merry Christmas.
Medical care. I will institute national medical care copied from the systems in Japan and France, which actually work. Any conservative who objects will be forced to stay in the same room with Rachel Maddow until he recants. It will be faster than water-boarding. Few could stand it for more than ten minutes.
Jews: They will be required to pay reparations for Pearl Harbor, which was a Zionist plot. This is a historical fact. Pilots on their bombing runs were heard on the radio to shout, “Torah! Torah! Torah!” I will offer Israel three aircraft carriers in exchange for epoxying a large cork in the mouth of Benjamin Netanyahu. The entire earth will then love the United States.
Further, it is well known that Jews sacrifice Christian children. As the former proprietor of two adolescent girls, I regard this as a valuable public service, and will suggest franchising it.
Fred! (Well, Buckwheat, you got a better idea?)
More on education. College graduates will be tested to see whether they can write an essay of fifty words with fewer than thirty gross grammatical errors and forty misspellings. They will also be required to find the Pacific Ocean on a map of the Hawaiian Islands. Math majors will have to demonstrate that they can count to five hundred. Failure will result in confiscation of cell phones until the deficit is rectified. This should spark an academic renaissance bordering on hysteria.
You want to elect this? You gotta be kidding. She probably went to high school with Archaeopteryx, which was better looking.
Foreign policy: Each year the mothers of the graduating class at Harvard will be strapped to the undercarriage of forward-deployed Black Hawk helicopters. This should reduce the martial enthusiasms of the influential but useless classes. The mothers will be fed while strapped, though — I don’t want to seem unreasonable.
Journalism. I will have the staff of National Review chained to their counterparts at Salon, and dropped into the remote Pacific after being doused in shark attractant. All the racially prissy, narcissistic bonbons at the Washington Post will spend a year in a bad section of Newark. Their children, if any, will attend local schools. I don’t care what they conclude — Left, Right or, barely conceivably, intelligent. I am just, from the goodness of my heart, trying to give them the background for informed commentary.
Congress. After three terms in the House, or one in the Senate, the incumbents will be taken out and shot. This is no more than term limits, and will ensure that only those serious about serving the country will run for office. The rest will run from it.
Women making false claims of having been raped. I will have them boxed, gift-wrapped, and delivered to a remote Afghan army base. This will retroactively make them honest women. Very honest.
Genital mutilation of young girls. The fathers who allow it will be publicly castrated by rabid wolverines and then shipped to Uganda where they will be stuffed for a week into the bottom of a public latrine. Should they return and offend again, or return at all, I will be forced to take extreme measures.
I await the plaudits of a grateful nation.