have a confession to make to my readers. I have been lying about Mexico. Yes. I am a poor sinner and meant no harm, but the devil got into me, and I have done wrong. I have said that Mexico was a pleasant country of agreeable people, and harmless. I have said that children here run and play in the fountains and enjoy the blessed life of the happy young. No, no! It wasn’t true. They die of hunger in the streets. Nay, Haiti must seem a paradise by comparison.
Oh, if I could repent and redeem myself! I know now I have lured many innocent Americans, virgins (well, that may be stretching it), children, people of ripe years and helpless, into this hellhole of disease and corruption, where they have been robbed and killed and left to moulder in unmarked graves, like Ambrose Bierce. I laughed at Americans who asked me whether Mexico had paved roads. Oh, the shame of it! The truth is that Mexico does not. There are no paved roads in Mexico.
How I repent my lies. But it is too late.
What changed my life, and brought me to truth and the hope of salvation was the horrid death of my friend Richard and his sweet family. We found his mortal remains in the burning rubble of his home in Jocotepec, a village on the north shore of Lake Chapala. Beside his half-eaten body we found his diary of his family’s last days. I reproduce parts of it here with other accurate and damning verities about this abominable country.
“July 2. We have been hearing gunfire in the hills but figure it is just narcos settling accounts. It has happened before.”
Proof that there is no morality in Mexico. The sign above, found everywhere, indicates a topless beach. Oh, how I fear for our young.
“July 6. Explosions in the hills last night. Probably RPGs.”
Any American living here, if honest, will tell you that rocket fire is common. Especially during fiestas. Veterans of Viet Nam say that at times the detonations are as intense as anything they experienced in Asia.
“July 9. My daughter Chuleta arrived late at school today. A rabid coyote was in the street outside the house. She came back right away, having found that her class had been kidnapped again, except those at home with swine flu. The teachers say that if the children are released they will have to make the days up.”
Fred in Guadalajara, in front of burst water mains. There is no maintenance in Mexico. Everything crumbles.
“July 10. Peter Johnson is dead, presumably from food poisoning from bad mocha at the coffee shop on the plaza. Our group of Americans no longer leave our houses. We are cut off.”
And to think that I once made fun of Americans who believed disease to be everywhere in Mexico. How many of them have I killed with my fabrications?
Evidence of epidemic. In this photo of Fred and family, Violeta is suffering from reverse lockjaw, a rare form of tetanus. There is no treatment. The Mexican government will not warn you of this.
“July 14. A policeman was shot to death by narcos this morning in the plaza, apparently to steal his cocaine. The water-treatment plant has stopped working. We fear plagues.”
Torture is common in Mexico. Here we see Fred with his friend Will Powell, who was white until the Mexican police put him into a pizza oven for interrogation.
“July 17. We stay in the house. Chuleta is sick with cholera. Dr. Perez came from the government clinic and sacrificed a chicken, but she got no better. He said it was a difficult case and would require a specialist who would chant and burn pig entrails.”
Food has become scarce in Mexico, a failed state. The reason of course is that the narcos have taken over all the farms to plant hemp, coca, poppies, and marijuana. A certain amount of corn is grown in clandestine fields in the mountains, but aircraft from the government spray these crops with herbicides.
Starvation is rife in the cities. The authorities do not even collect the bodies.
“July 19. Chuleta died today. We were going to have a funeral but the wild dogs ate her.”
Indicates topless beach for mutants. A country that encourages harlotry and promiscuity among the genetically differently-abled is clearly reprehensible.
“July 21. I am alone. Even the government is attacking us. The helicopter of the Mexican air force dropped a load of cheap plaster bulls on the house. One hit my wife on the head. I was able to bury her decently because the sewage overflow from the water treatment plant has drowned the wild dogs.”
We who live in this inferno have learned not to trust the government. For years we heard from the peasants of nightmarish creatures that came from volcanic vents and devastated whole populations. We didn’t believe it. President Calderon himself assured us that it wasn’t true. Strange creatures? What nonsense. But then….
These things, whatever they are, prowl Guadalajara, eating pedestrians. The government, concerned about tourism, keeps very quiet about it.
“July 23. We are doomed. This will be my last entry. The sewage has reached the front gate and feral possums have come from the hills to feed on corpses. If anyone finds this, tell my daughters in Spokane goodbye. For God’s sake stay away from Mexico.
The possums are coming….
Que bueno que asustes a tus paisanos que no vengan pa acá. Bien hecho!
This is all true. In like manner I have warned the good ole US folks to stay away from the terrible beaches of Baja California do Norte y Sur, like Rosarito, Mulege and La Paz. Brazil, too, already governed by a commie that calls for a cease fire between Jews and Palestinians, is rampant with overpriced 5 star resort hotels at $50 a night and beaches teeming with locals wearing nothing but strings. Please stay away !
Obviously sarcastic, but kidding about your wife and daughter dying ain’t funny.
(Not to me, anyway.)
I agree, at least borderline poor taste. But then we all should know Fred by now.
Message void where prohibited. Applies especially to people from the states of California, Illinois, New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Washington, Massachusetts, Maryland, and Virginia. Consult your attorney to determine if you live in one of those states.
I live in South Central Virginia…we ain’t got no lawyers in these here tobacco fields, but we do got some possums.
Brilliant, Fred! I remember reading one of your pieces some time ago (3-4 years?) on the advantages of life in your neck of the woods. Just a few days ago, pondering the insanity of our current authoritarian woke Canadian government (and the majority of unquestioning, “go along to get along” sheep among my fellow citizens), I thought I’d try to find it again. If I were untethered by family, I’d be down in Mexico to investigate in an instant.
Mexico may soon need to build a wall to stop Americans trying to sneak in!
It’s not as bad as Oklahoma! Wild savages scalp white ranchers. Scorpions, tarantulas, black widows, copperheads, rattlesnakes, rabid coyotes, lions, tigers, tornadoes, ice storms, few paved roads, no potable water, terrible schools and oil pollution everywhere. Now earthquakes daily and very unfriendly people. And the wind blowing down the Plains. Avoid at all cost.
Lets not forget the sadistic police force…
As a long time resident of Oklahoma, That is good advice. The only place I’ve lived that’s worse is Texas. But, on the good side, Texas has better looking women and no income tax. I may move back to TX.
Don’t forget the brutal police. I know one guy beat to death because he looked at a patrolman and then the guy rubbed his eye. The cop said the guy winked at him.
It’s the same in the mountains of NC. The only difference is the larger fauna. Stay away for your own life and health.
Satire. But satire generally has a basis in fact. Mexico is not deepest darkest Africa. But it’s NOT a “first world nation”. The cartels basically do as they please with impunity. The politicians are mostly corrupt…the term “La Mordida” exists for a reason. I have friends who were born and raised there. They now live in America, by choice. They occasionally visit there but will not move back. They say that frequently the water is not safe. Sometimes the food isn’t safe. The cops are with rare exception corrupt and not to be trusted. In short there are worse places on the planet. But it’s not a great place either. If it was a wonderful place we wouldn’t have had decades of illegals sneaking across the border.
Greetings Fred. Bravo, Bravo, Bravo….. Another masterpiece in humor! I laughed and laughed through each word picture your transmitted to my mind as I read this to my wife. It’s about time you came out with some genuine humor! My son left California and built a house down on the Baja near the Sea of Cortez a few years ago — he loves living there. He doesn’t speak much Español but gets along with with locals extremely well — they fish a lot. He is a machinist and helps them.
Keep up your Great Work — We need some humor to counter this international MESS in which we find ourselves! Roger…. Mexico may need a wall to keep Americans out!
Best Regards,
–JB in Tennessee
Poor Fred, .. we warned him, too late, of that strange nether world of Mexican 12-foot bugs, broken water mains, and badly-tainted Hallucinogenic tequila, but the poor lost-soul wouldn’t listen, preferring to live in a fiery desert furnace with no stinkin badges. Now that he has bitten the dust, .. that leaves us Fred Reed readers with no alternative, but to read the endless minute-by-minute coverage of Taylor Swift, that now dominates Fox News. Honestly, with another variant of Covid ravaging our brains into a brain fog, the world is starting to make sense. Everything really is about Taylor.
Meanwhile, as America descends into an every growing brain fog, Mexico is actually starting to surpass us. It is now ranked number 1 in the world in television manufacture. Number 3 in the world in manufacture of computers. It’s auto and aerospace industry is expanding rapidly. Not only is manufacture growing there, so it research and development. Many foreign companies are locating R&D there, so a rapidly rising percent of its engineered products were developed there. Mexico is supplying huge numbers of engineers in 140 tuition-free universities., enticing more firms to locate there. Taxes, laws and its position midway in the global North/South America trade network means it could keep growing rapidly. It is now ranked 8th in the world in producing 113,000 engineers, just short of the U.S.’s 120,000. I couldn’t believe that last figure, but apparently it is true. While the U.S. colleges wallow in wok wonkery, 21% of Mexican college students are studying hard in STEM majors.
C’mon, get real. This all sounds horrendous, but it pales when compared to the ravenous cougars inhabiting The Villages in Florida! (Leavin’ tha room; duckin’ n’ dodgin’…)
Things will get better if DeSantis moves tot he White House…
Stay away from W Michigan. It’s all lies that it is pleasant. The weather is mostly tornado and dereco winds, mostly rain and sleet year ’round with raw sewage everywhere. Wild, savage hyenas, wolves and rabid bears are everywhere and the government won’t let you out of your mud hut without permission. Only heat comes from solar panels except there is no sun
Oregon welcomes all!
Give us the wretched refuse of your teeming shores…’specially the ones with purty moufs….
[…] The Possum Chronicles: Fred Admits Journalistic Dishonesty About Mexico, by Fred Reed […]
OK Fred, are there really topless beaches there? Let me know where and I will be on the next plane, to the Devil with the Rabid Coyotes, etc.
The truth is out at last. If Fred photographed it, it must be true. Captions never lie, no?
I wonder how many families from Venezuela, Ecuador, China, the middle east etc… that are passing through Mexico Fred has taken in… I’ll bet his mud hut is full…..
OK, you made your point. I’ll vacation in peaceful, safe Haiti instead.
After the Dollar collapses the US will be same.
We have found similar problems in North Carolina. The Cherokee Nation is on the warpath again, driving farmers out and building casinos on their abandoned fields. Somali pirates have slipped across our porous borders with Virginia and South Carolina and settled in the Outer Banks where they are now seizing ships and pleasure yachts and holding people for ransom. And since the state government banned women from men’s restrooms, we lost our only NBA team and the lucrative income from the transgender community. Mexico is looking pretty good right now.
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